those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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