I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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