I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
