Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
