I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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