My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
