i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
