U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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