Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize