I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
