Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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