In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
