I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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