You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
