She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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