I can text with my tongue
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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