if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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