I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
