Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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