I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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