My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
