That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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