Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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