I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
