And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
