happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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