UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
