I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
