haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
