I met the friendliest cop last night
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
