Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
