my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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