party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
