I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
