the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
