i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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