Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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