i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
