someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
