so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
