My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
