Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize