I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Randomize
