She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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