i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
