i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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