She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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