Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
