This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
