I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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