I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
