Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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