he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
