she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
