Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
