Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
