Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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