My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
