i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
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